Tragedy

In the summer of 1998, I would have to say in a Master / slave relationship you couldn't have found two people who were happier. Things between us were just fantastic. We had all the right energy, all the right feelings, things felt so incredible. Then on September 1st everything in our world changed. It maybe good again but it will never be the same, and as we come to a year later I am still hopeful that we will find that same kind of energy that we had last summer.

I know many people think that if you are living a BDSM lifestyle you shouldn't talk about your kids, and some people will go so far as to think we shouldn't have kids at all. I have made it my policy to not talk about my kids on this site because that isn't a part of this life but there is no way to tell this story and leave our kids out.

For those of you who have read all of my site, you will know that we live in a combined home of 2 couples and our kids. 4 of the 7 kids we are raising are mine. I am a full time college student, and full time Mom for these kids. I stay home during the day and take care of the domestic life and take classes at night. On the evening of September 1st, I was notified in class to come to the security desk at the college because the fire department wanted to talk to me. As you can imagine, all sorts of fears ran through my mind as I crossed the campus. Did my cross catch on fire? Nope I looked in the lot on the way to the office. Did my husband get in a car accident? Were the kids hurt? What could it be? But I was sure it wasn't a good thing, the fire department doesn't come to tell you good news.

I went to the office, and the people behind the desk didn't know what was going on. The fire department hadn't arrived yet. My nerves were getting shot more by the second. Finally they said the had a call for me, and as I reached for the phone I saw the fire department folks coming down the hall. I took the phone, "Hello?" My Master's voice was on the other end...

"Our worst fears have happened... Sarah drown in the pool." It was that easy, it was that hard. It was our worst fears, and our worst horror. My youngest, only 2 and half years old was dead. She was the light of my life, my little evil girl who could get into everything, and was just as stubborn as she could be. Sarah was the happiest kid on the planet, she was an amazing person who brought joy to one and all. Every adult, and child that met and dealt with her were just crazy about her. And she was dead. The self closing gate on our pool didn't close, and in the moments of the rush for dinner being served Sarah went out to the pool. It would appear from the bruise on her head that she slipped, fell in the pool and died. She was found a few minutes later by my husband. Cpr was given. The fire department did all they could. But much to the horror of all they couldn't bring her back.

I fell to the floor screaming and crying. The woman from the fire department tried to calm me down. Master tried to calm me down on the phone. He had stayed home with the other kids while my husband and Master's wife, Veronica followed the ambulance to the hospital. I can look back now and feel badly for Master that he had to track me down and give me the news. But I am also grateful that it was him that told me and not a stranger. It was a comfort to have his strength on the other end of the phone.

I could tell you now all the things that followed, press folks that hounded us, the reports that said Sarah was out there for an hour, instead of the minutes that she was. The horror of seeing my daughter dead on the hospital table. The horror of having to come home and tell all my kids that Sarah was gone and we would never see her again. The list of awful things goes on and on.

There is more than the awful things too. There was a huge out pouring of love and support from friends, family and strangers alike. They came to help and held us together. We had a wonderful good-bye for Sarah. There were people from all parts of my life, apex, college, boy scouts and girl scouts, friends and family. We all went to the park at sunset with hundreds of balloons. And at sunset we let them go... all floating to heaven. Sarah was born at dawn, so it seemed so right to say good-bye at sunset. And there was the final joy of knowing that some little part of Sarah still carried on. We allowed Sarah's organs to be donated. Sarah gave site two different people. She loved life, and she would have loved to it, that she gave in the end too.

I am not going to focus here on the heeling of my family. On the mourning we all had to travel through. My 12-year daughter missing her little sister like a giant hole in her heart. You can all guess it was a hard road for all of us to travel down. It was just so damn hard to deal with not having her here with me. This year was supposed to be our year alone while all the other kids were off at school, quality mother and daughter time. Volumes could be written about all that alone, but instead I want to talk about the effects on our lifestyle, on our relationship.

At first, Master was my rock. He held me while I was racked with tears and sorrow. I was a mess. He shed tears too, lots of them. His tears helped me heal too. Master knew Sarah since she was born and been living with her almost her whole life, he loved that little girl just as much as I did. But how do you back to playing after? How do you find that joy in submission when you are falling apart? And better yet how do you find the joy in life again after your heart is broken?

At first I couldn't find any joy in submission. I got angry a lot. A part of us both wanted to play so hard that we would wear each other out. It would have meant playing at a level that we had never gone to before. I think we just both wanted to play so hard to turn the pain of living into something else. I would have done it, and to this day some part of me wishes we had. Something like the mourning rituals of old, tearing at the hair, the clothing in the mourning. But Master kept his head better than I did. We didn't play. We didn't play at all.

We both suffered moodiness. We seemed never to be in the same place. It got so bad that more than once Master offered to take the collar and end our relationship. Why? Because I wasn't being me and it was making it harder to deal with life. Master couldn't get a handle on the how of dealing with me at this point. He wanted to be able to tell me to fix it. How can he do this? Master or not, the real world had come crashing in and he couldn't tell me as my Master to stop being angry about her death. He couldn't tell me to find myself again. He couldn't tell me anything at that point that I didn't already know, which was that there was a very real danger that I would never find my way back to being a happy person, much less a happy submissive.

By the time November came, I was suffering some very real fear that we wouldn't ever find each other again. I have to admit that there was blame going on too. Not the blame of saying this horrible event was your fault, but blame for attitude. Master saw fault with me and I saw fault with him, the bloom was off the rose. No longer were we living in the glow of loving each other. Over and over it seemed we tried to reach for each other but somehow we couldn't reach other. The wall of grief was too much to find a way through.

After another fight over something really stupid... more tears shed with no way to control the outcome. I really started doing some soul searching. What was going on with us? I finally realized it was time for me to find some peace. I needed to talk to God. I needed to get out of town and send my soul searching the heavens. I told Master that when my life got too hard for me to deal with it I have needed to get away and sort of spend quiet time with myself and talk to God, in his house. For me that is the earth itself. I asked Master to take me up to the mountains for a weekend. Just telling him I knew it was me that was off center, and needed to find my peace again was enough to start to lift the weight from my heart.

We went to Flagstaff for the weekend. Everything was gray that day but somehow that was okay with me. It was sort of like the weight in my heart too. I packed us a wonderful picnic lunch, and we kept right on driving up into the mountains. We found a back road and just kept going. We found a place high up on the mountains, where there were birch trees, and pine trees in a grove. The wind was moving through the yellow fall leaves of the birch trees. Master left me alone to have my talk with God. I did. It was really that simple. I poured out my heart, about all the anger, and pain, and love I felt for that little person and how much I missed her. I talked to Sarah too. And after about a half-hour I was done. And in the process I gave up a lot of the anguish that was living in my heart.

We have survived the first holidays, the coming and going of Sarah's birthday, and we are not too far from the first anniversary of her death now. It isn't all better yet. We still don't seem to be connected to each other in the same way. I think the scars on our souls took our innocence in the joy of playing. But in all fairness there have been other stresses that have weighed heavy too, damn unemployment and money stuff. The day to day things that pile up on us like a ton of bricks.

I learned some important things from all this though. Always talk, when I was finally able to say what I needed, I got it. Master went with me and let me do what I needed to heal. Always share, pain in any event is less when it is spread around. I love Master with all my heart and nothing on earth is going to take that from me. I know we have faced the hardest thing and still made it through. I wish I could have my daughter back, I wish I could have that innocence back. I want our relationship to have that wonder in it again. I may not be able to have what I wish for but I know with time and more healing that we can back to that place of wonder again. Neither Master nor I gave up on each other. Take my advice folks, no matter what don't turn away. Tragedy can either tear you apart or bring you closer together. It brought us closer together and although the Master slave part of our life isn't the easy thing it once was. As I say we are okay, just different. I know with time these things I feel put stress on us will pass too, all things do.

My advice to you dear reader is simple: No matter how bad it gets remember that the person you loves feels it too. Remember that you can lean on this person for comfort and strength. As submissive we want so badly to take care of our Master's or Mistresses that sometimes we might forget that they are there to care for us too. Sparing them the pain in your heart will only eat at you and in the end, cause the gap to widen. We would love to all believe that our Master slave relationships can't be so affected by the things of the mundane life, but it can, and it will. The joy and strength of that relationship can't be forgotten while we fight to get better in the stress of life. There isn't anything you can't face if you face it together. I know all these thing apply to normal relationships too. But there is something special about living this lifestyle that I think leads us to great strength, we can use that strength to get through those hard times that can tear so many other people apart.

June 2001

It has been a long time since I wrote about the passing of our little Sarah. It seems so hard to believe it has been this many years since she left our lives. I can still feel her warm little body in my arms and hear her laughing as she runs down the hall.

Master and I finally did find the joy again. There was a time in there when I really thought it would end up tearing us apart. It just seemed like we would never laugh together again and I couldn't stand that idea. We suffered some scars from the journey but really in some ways it made it stronger too. We survived this... and since from our own point of view there just can't be much worse to have to deal with, we can do the rest of the stuff. Okay so life is hard money wise or some other such day-to-day thing... who gives a damn, it isn't life and death. We aren't having to say goodbye again... we can do this. It tends to really drive home the idea that you need to let go of the little shit... and it really is all little shit.

With the passing of each of Sarah's birthdays and the anniversary, we celebrate Sarah's life. We gather just our family and we send balloons at sunset. We send our messages and our love to her. With Paul and Veronica and half the kids living in Seattle now, we now call and over the phone let the balloons go at the same time from both places. We have decided that we will continue to do this forever. My children will do this with their children some day as they tell them the stories of their little sister who left the world too soon but while she was here she brought great joy to those that knew and loved her.

My oldest Daughter who is now 14 years old has done her own healing too. It was a hard road for her. She kept feeling like it was her fault and she missed her little sister so much. But time has made the scars toughen up for her as well. The wounds aren't as fresh and so not so sensitive. Last year as a school assignment she wrote a story about Sarah and her passing. I read it and cried all over again for all our pain. But at the same time I was joyous for the healing I could see in her words and for all the love she felt for her sister. You know sometimes death pulls people apart and sometimes it cements them together. All three of my kids have become closer to each other. Understanding that having siblings is a special and wonderful thing to be loved and respected. Oh sure they still bicker sometimes but by and large they love each other and even admit to it. Sarah kept teaching us even after all this time.

My advice for all of you remains the same... talk to each other no matter how hard it gets because sharing is all you have when the pain steals your heart. Love and keep loving till you can find the space and time to recover from whatever your tragedy is cause you can get better and you will get better, we have too cause the wheel of life has to keep going and those of us here are a part of that.

2009

It has been a long time now since Sarah left us.  We don’t balloons anymore.  I guess it was bound to happen, life moved on, it got in the way.  She is still never far from my thoughts and I would have her back in a heart beat if I could.  I still move through the world and see the cute 2 year old girls, thinking fondly and sadly each and every time. 

My friend, Lais, in her own magical way has connected to Sarah and helped with the healing greatly.  The time finally came where I had to let her go.  I kept feeling her hovering on the edge of my life and I knew she had to move on.  Lais and I went to the desert, lit a small fair and under a million stars laid back on a blanket and I told Sarah it was okay to go now.  She could begin her journey again.  In that moment of quiet tears I felt great peace too as Sarah returned to the heart of the universe to keep bringing joy to other. 

I guess depending on how you see your spiritual world and what you believe will decide if you think I am out of my mind and that is all good with me.  In my heart I know Sarah has begun life anew and sometimes I can still feel her out in the world being herself.  She is still the little devil and still up to no good in the very cute and oh so bratty way but she did promise me she would stay longer this time.  I know years from now I will pass a young woman, and find a soul I once held, I will smile and be grateful for the love I shared.  But life moves on, it is the only thing you can be sure of, it will keep going no matter how much you may want to fall down and die.  Keep on moving people.